I continue my election-year coverage with a series of interviews with leading candidates for president. The first person to drop by -- hey, Don! -- is the winner of yesterday's Republican primary in New Hampshire.
Congratulations on your victory yesterday!
Yeah, wasn't that fantastic? That was the greatest victory EVER. No one has ever won such a huge victory, anywhere!
Uh, well . . . You didn't get as high a percentage as Hilary Clinton on the Democratic side, who was blown out, so I don't know . . .
Don't be such a loser. Come on, what are your questions? I've got a plane to catch.
Well, uh, can you give me some inside baseball? For example, how did you manage to convince so many evangelical Christians to support a man who recently supported partial birth abortion, got rich by building gambling joints and evicting widows from their homes for a parking lot, and brags about all the married women he's had? Christians used to think pride was a sin, too . . .
My followers would do anything for me. You know the girl so beautiful that a bishop would kick a hole through a stained-glass window for her? That's me. I can do or say anything -- I'm going to make Mexico wall itself off from the US, I'm going to get everyone to say Merry Christmas again-- and these stupid bastards will eat it up. I kid you not!
And it will be the same when I'm president. I'll go over to China and say, "Stop ripping us off by devaluating your currency!" And they'll do what I say. Because I am God! You look at me and say, "What is this schmuck saying?" You'll see.
But wouldn't a revalued Chinese currency mean goods would be more expensive here in the US? Is that good for the poor and uneducated people who form the primary base of your support?
Don't you believe it. I know economics like nobody else. I've been in business all my life -- building stuff. Building big stuff. REALLY big stuff. The tallest erections in the world . . .
You mean buildings?
Uh, back to economics. What about the economist who says you inherited $50-100 million, and if you'd just put it all in index funds instead of building Trump Air and gaudy casinos you'd be twice as r . . .
A LOSER! A BIG loser. Very bad at math. Also evil. A total hypocrite, too -- when has he ever made like ten billion dollars? He should be ashamed of himself. Very sad.
So, uh, why should we believe you? It's not like you're Bill Gates, who made it all from scratch . . . Nor have you ever run a government office.
That's exactly why you should believe me when I say I'll make America great again! Because I'm used to paying off government officials. Nobody knows what it feels like better than I do. Hilary, Chuck Schumer, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, they all come running to me when they need money. So why not put the guy who's used to paying off crooked politicians, in charge of paying all government employees?
You promise that you'll build a wall along the border and make Mexico pay for it, rebuild the nation's bridges and airports for a third of the normal price (without cheating illegal aliens this time, I assume), "take care of women," kick out 12 million foreigners then let the good ones back in, get Americans released from Iran before your take office, take the president of China out for Macdonald hamburgers and get jobs back from China, simplify tax codes, make golf affordable, bring guns back into school, triple customs officials, force Ford, Apple and Nabisco to make their goods in the US, bomb the * out of ISIS, torture terrorists, and get everyone to say "Merry Christmas." Also, you'll "make America great again."
Any chance you're over-promising?
No, we'll do all that, and more. Just you watch. You won't believe it. These politicians have failed miserably. They're all talk, no action. But we'll get things done, once I'm in charge.
Are you really going to put this on television? I mean, you're a crap reporter. All your questions are really stupid.
Have you ever thought of reading Shakespeare and improving the quality of your put-downs?
My insults are the best ever.
Look, I'm busy. I'm going to go to South Carolina now, they absolutely love me down there, great place. You're a pussy, so you don't know. I'm really the best person, ever. Then I've got to fix this country. After that, I'm going to come back and take your job, and be the best reporter ever. I promise.
Actually, I'm not with a television station, this is just an obscure blog based most of the time in China . . .
Well, OK. Your job can stay there. I'll give the king of China, or whatever the hell they have over there, a couple french fries, or something.